Funeral Pre-Planning

Q: A few months ago, my aunt was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She doesn't have any kids and she's like a second mom to my brothers and me, so we're very involved with her care. Although it's likely she'll be with us for quite a while, we've begun to realize that we might not have very long to find out what her wishes are for her care and funeral.

We haven't had any problems discussing her care, but none of us has had the courage to discuss funeral arrangements. I guess we were hoping she'd bring it up, but she hasn't. Any suggestions for bringing up this grim subject?

-- Karen J., Escondido, California

A: The subject of pre-planning for someone's last wishes need not be grim. Pre-planning for a loved one's funeral is a gift to the living, and this is how you need to approach this with your aunt.

One way to approach it is to sit down with her when she's having a good day -- by that I mean when she's fairly lucid. Let her know how much you love her, and how much you'll miss her when she's gone. Let her know that, although it's tough to talk about, you want to find out from her the best way for friends and family to honor her when she's gone.

Let her know that making the arrangements well in advance will help to make sure the right choices are made, and that this will make things easier for you, her survivors. There is a big difference, for example, between a traditional casketed burial and cremation. This would be the first place to start. How does she feel about each of these options? Does she have a preference? Does she own any cemetery property? Should there be a viewing of the body for family and friends? Would she like a service at her church or parish? If a casket is involved, does she prefer wood or metal?

Funeral planning is very personal and everyone is entitled to their opinion and choices. Planning this while she is still able to voice her choices will be comforting to your aunt, and will also take away the burden of your having to make these decisions for her.

Pre-planned funeral arrangements can be made at your local funeral home or mortuary. From a practical standpoint, when you pre-arrange, it locks in your prices at today's rate and when the death does occur, the family does not have to pay the current rate. Funeral costs can double in a 7-10 year period so you can see that the financial sense this makes.

However, you can't put a price on the emotional benefit of pre-planning for your loved one's final wishes. It is truly a gift of love.