Jerry Seinfeld

You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'

Jerry Seinfeld

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, 'No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?' Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Jerry Seinfeld

Why do they call it a 'building'? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a 'built'?

Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything— which as you know, always leads to something— cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.

Erma Bombeck

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

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