Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
If politicians and scientists were lazier, how much happier we should all be.
It matters not whether you win or lose. What matters is whether I win or lose.
I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
Vote early and vote often.
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If it were not for the government, we would have nothing to laugh at.
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"