There is only one quality worse than hardness of heart, and that is softness of head.

A radical is a person with both feet firmly planted in the air.

Live so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere, but can think of nothing to do when it gets there.

With Congress, everytime they make a joke it's a law, and everytime they make a law it's a joke.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Everything is funny, as long as it is happening to somebody else.

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