A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn...that was fun!'

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Dorothy L. Sayers

A human being must have occupation if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

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