I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

You know it's a bad day when... your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

George Carlin

You know you're in a small town when the restaurant closes at lunch so the waitress can go home and eat.

George Carlin

Some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full. I see the glass as too big.

George Carlin

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

George Carlin

If the shoe fits... get another one just like it.

You know you're getting old when your birthday cake looks like a prairie fire.

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