If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.
Why was the archaeologist depressed? His career was in ruins.
Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money from them.
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me -- it's the parts that I do understand.
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.